Before you read any further, remember this. I don’t hate fat people. I’m kinda chunkalicious myself and god knows I think I just rule.

Anyway, what the fuck is up with all these fat people?! I mean there’s so god damn many of them and the problem is getting worse every day. As I said in my politically correct intro, I’m a little chunky. Now if this condition, or any other ever threatened my health, I hope to god I’d have the common sense to do something about it. Take smoking for example. Let’s see, I have emphysema, chronic bronchitis and can’t walk without passing out…maybe I should fucking quit smoking? No…that’s too much work. I think I’ll just die.

So when Mr. Orcafat has had his third quadruple bypass you’d think he’d do something about it, you know, like stop eating small children or something? But no, it’s too much work. Then he dies a fat fat man like monstrosity.

Now I’m as lazy as they come. I’d show you how lazy I am, but I’m too fucking lazy. I even eat my food cold because it’s too much work to put it into the microwave. Do I fucking die because of this? NO! I eat cold food and wish I had heated it up while I’m eating it. Now if Mr. Crazyman put a gun to my head and says, "hey you fat guy! Look at your gut! I demand you lose 10 pounds or I will kill you!" I will fucking lose 10 fucking pounds! How will lose these 10 alleged pounds you ask? Tai Bo? Some miracle pill that magically burns pounds while you eat a gooey chink of lard? Act of God? NO! I’ll eat sensibly and exercise every now and then. No secrets here folks, just don’t eat shit and move your ass every now and then. I don’t suggest that you become a vegetarian and hiss at the sight of anything that once moved. Lord knows we have enough of those people. I simply suggest you order the hamburger instead of the mondo burger of the damned with bacon. Better yet, save your money and go to the store and buy some Campbell’s soup of something. That stuff is good, and it’s so much better than that artery-clogging monstrosity (twice in one tirade) you were thinking of putting into your body.

And while I’m on a tangent, why do we have all these teenagers blaming their eating disorders on models on the magazines they read? If you don’t have the brains to realize that you know no one who even remotely looks like that and still think you should you deserve whatever you do to yourself. Let’s think of the marketing department at the local magazine hut. Are they saying, "hey let’s put fat chicks or our cover! That would put our sales through the roof!" Of course not, they’re actually saying, "hey let’s put incredibly good looking women on our cover because society dictates that the average person thinks she’s good looking!" Everyone should be able to realize that the world is the way it is because that what people like. Am I evil if I like looking at some impossibly proportioned model? I hope not or this planet is going to hell, literally. Guys buy magazines with hot chicks on the front, and women buy magazines with hot…chicks on the front. I wonder who dictates this society thing? Everyone should know that you can’t expect to look like one of those digitally altered people-like images. They’re just to make women buy magazines and for guys to…beat off to. Duh!